Lest We Forget

It isn't easy to find the words to express some things, but for the sake of trying to remember a friend of mine that I lost this past year, I am going to attempt it. For the most part, I haven't really allowed myself to fully process or grieve for her passing. It is still in many ways too raw and painful to think about. What I remember most is the sick feeling of shock that rolled over me when I saw her picture in a news story, followed by the desperate hope that somehow it was all a mistake. I knew deep down of course that it wasn't, but I couldn't bare the thought of believing it. I still find it almost impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that she is really gone.

I remembered that it had only been a matter of days since I had checked out her latest photos on Facebook. I remembered thinking how happy she looked, and feeling proud of how successful she seemed to be. We had been closer many years ago, but for the most part we had lost touch with each other. Even so, as I tried to digest the news of her death, I felt myself reeling over from the shock. I collapsed into the chair on which I was sitting and I felt the tears pouring out of my eyes. Since that moment, it has been extremely difficult to really think about it, and for the most part I have avoided it.

It is easy enough in hindsight to say that there were warning signs, that someone should have known that something was wrong, but I think that everyone who knew her personally was just as shocked and stunned as I was, and probably more so. This was the first, and thankfully the only time in my experience, that someone I've known personally has chosen to take their own life. I had always believed that I would feel angry with someone for committing such an act, but I can honestly say that I have not been able to muster even the smallest shred of anger towards her. What I mostly feel is an aching sadness that no one had the slightest idea of the secret pain she must have carried around with her always.

There is the longing to go back in time to do something, say something, to make it somehow better. Even if I could just go back in time and stay a little more connected to her while she was still with us. She was a remarkable person, full of life, and talent, and kindness. Her story should not have ended this way. No one's story should ever end like that. To her family and loved ones, my deepest condolences for their tragic loss. My thoughts and prayers are with them at this time. Sad though I am, I know that I can scarcely imagine their pain. As for my friend, she was truly the kind of person that I feel fortunate to have known, however briefly. I can only hope that somehow she has now found the peace that seems to have eluded her in life.

Rest peacefully in Heaven. I will always remember you.